Urbane Lion's Den

Defending the almighty penis!

OMG! The truth comes out! All this time that I've been walking around the Den biff naked, sporting a softy, thinking that the Urban Panther is getting all worked up over the scenery, turns out she's just holding back a giggle.

So the male anatomy in its flaccid state is funny to look at??? Well, I guess it all depends on how you 'wear' it! I for one like to stand in front of a mirror (or whomever is willing to watch!) and make it do some pretty slick moves to the beat of some funky music. Now that is cool, not funny! And, there's also that new art form called penis puppetry that was popular a few years ago. I have to say that I am pretty good at it too! I can do the burger, the windsurfer and the elephant. I can also use it as an air guitar. Is it not rude to laugh at someone's talent?

But seriously ladies, do you truly think that penises look funny? What about ears? They look funny too. Is that why people get them pierced? Just to make them pretty?
It certainly looks like I'm going to have to pull out the big guns now! If my wedding tackle makes her laugh "Au naturel", I guess I'll just start using make-up and costumes. No worries, I won't go as far as getting a Prince Albert. My meeting with the Vasectomizer was enough!

Like always, I aim to please and am willing to make a little effort to make myself more visually pleasing to the Panther. How about you? Is there a part of your anatomy (ears, nose, boobs, skin blemishes etc) that you cover up just to please your partner? Have you gone as far as getting plastic surgery, or if not, would you?

Back from the Dead !

You may have noticed (or not!) my absence from the blogging scene in the last few weeks. Why you ask? Was I closely involved in the canadian election or the Paulson plan? Was I busy globe-trotting to far away exotic destinations? Unless your idea of exotic is Trenton, or London, Ontario, the answer to both questions is no. So where was I really? I was at home TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!!! Deadlines coming fast, work needing to be done before winter hits (yeah I know, you California or Australia residents have no clue!) but more importantly, the Urban Panther moving in.

Although I was extremely looking forward to this moment, and I had a very good idea of what was remaining in her apartment, I was ill prepared to face the state the house was in when the move was completed but before anything was put away. You think the previous pictures were bad? You have absolutely no idea! Two heavy gauge wires of different colours touched inside my brain causing me to go completely beserk! As the Urban Panther posted previously, I have no experience in moving. My father was military and all moves were relatively painless. I did move a few times as a student, but my possessions were restricted to a few cardboard boxes. But the Den is completely different. This place was Ali Baba's cave even before the Panther moved in, so imagine it with all of her stuff piled up wherever space was available! Despite words of encouragement from the Panther, and a friend of mine who graciously helped us move, it was simply beyond my ability to make any sense out of this. So what did I do? I retreated outdoors to accomplish simple tasks that my injured psychological state could accomplish. You know, counting stems of grass, pulling wings off of flies, etc.

Well, as promised, the Panther had everything placed a matter of no time. And so the healing process began. There is still quite a bit to do, like hang her frames, and clean out the basement and garage, but at least the house is livable once again. I am still not top shape, but well on my way to total recovery, with no discernable permanent damage to my nervous system.

Have you ever been placed in a situation that was completely beyond your reasoning and had to retreat? Were you able to participate in the finalizing of the task or did you have to wait until it was completed?

Should I stay or should I go?

Here I am singing the song made popular in the 80's by The Clash but, it's with sadness in my heart that I'm singing it this morning. You see, I'm leaving on a short 2 day business trip and I have to leave the Panther at home all alone with the 2 cats. I was hoping that she would be feeling better by now, but it's just not the case. She still looks like crap. Wanted to take pictures but got 'The Look' and I came back to my senses.

Needless to say that I'm not happy to leave. I mean, there's nothing much I can do for her, but keep her company and help alleviate the symptoms. The bug needs to run its course and no matter what I do it won't speed things up.

Keeping this post short today, but I'd really like to know if I'm the only one who feels like crap for leaving a loved one alone when they are in need? Or, have you ever sent your child to school when he was feeling a little under the weather just because you had other obligations that needed your attention? How do you deal with that?

The Ailing Panther

I'll start off this post by apologizing for any spelling mistakes or poor wordsmithing. As the Panther is not feeling very well, this post is going up as is without any proof reading on her part. Although I have been known to suddenly find myself alone on the wrong side of the line of decency, I don't think we will run into any danger with today's post.

I have seen the Panther in various states so far; bad mood, sad, down and out, bad hair day, just days with bad hair (tes cheveux sont fuckés!) but I had yet to see her in such a sad shape as today. While she thought at first it was simply a very bad case of seasonal allergies, I knew all along it was a bad cold. Hey, I should know. I've spent all my childhood and teenage years playing doctor and it's now paying off!

So, I made sure she wasn't in need of anything all evening, cooked her a nice comfort meal and sent her of to bed with a clever mix of shiraz and the strongest over the counter cold medicine I could find. I am also a fine pharmacologist. I usually just rely on tequila shooters to soothe my female patients but I knew right away that I needed something a little stronger tonight.

Before I go clean up the kitchen I will leave you with a couple of questions. I'm certain that you will do anything you can when one of your kids is sick but, do you do the same when it's your spouse? Do you leave him or her pucking their guts out over the toilet bowl or do you go and pat their backs and wipe their mouths? Will you stay home from work to nurse them better or just check up with the occasional phone call?

Hurricane Ike hits Quebec

Yes that's right. We just got hit by the tail end of Ike. Loads of rain, hot and steamy weather, but nothing like what hit the southern part of the US and Caribeeans. No, we are usually pretty sheltered from those bad storms. We do, however, feel other side effects such as a big hike in gas and food prices. But, as I don't want to steal the limelight from CNN, I'll let them report the damages caused by Ike, and will instead tell you all about what hurricane Panther left in its trail.

You've all seen the pictures of the Den in total chaos . Not one square inch of counter space was available. Well Saturday, while I was outside busy setting up the wiring for the hot tub, unbeknownst to me, hurricane Panther was hitting the inside of the house very hard. Not only was all of her stuff that she had retrieved from her apartment stashed away, she even emptied every cupbard in the kitchen and reorganized every single one of them! The kitchen now looks fabulous! Although she switched a lot of the stuff around, everything makes so much sense that I have no need to look around for stuff anymore. I had been living alone for over two years and had developped some old (bad) habits. But now, gone are the frustrations of fighting with the Tupperware drawer (come on, you have one too!) or having tin cans fall on your toes while mucking around in the pantry.

The move isn't finished yet. We still need to get the rest of her furniture from her apartment this weekend, and place them appropriately in the house. If I had known all the good that would come from having the Panther around, I would have hunted her down much sooner!

How about you? Have you ever gotten to the point of having to rely on someone else to put some order in your life? Was it a good or a bad experience?

Panther nesting boo-boos!

Oooh boy! This is going to be a fun post to write. As you have gathered from our recent posts on both the Urban Panther's and my site, we are currently living in total chaos. Not only do we have time sensitive renos to accomplish but, this is also the month that the Panther must vacate her apartment and move into the Den. Mother Nature's quirky attitude seriously put a crowbar in the progress of the work to be done. So here we are, mid-September with still a couple of weeks worth of work to do before the nasty Canadian winter hits. You have read the Panther's latest posts where she describes her state of mind and frequent meltdowns. She is making every effort to nest as quickly as possible. She goes to her apartment during lunch time everyday to get whatever will fit in the car. The move is nearly complete save for the furniture. However, her stuff is coming in faster than we can put it away. The house looks like downtown Kabul!  You look in the kitchen and it's a bloody mess, you turn around in the hallway and it's no better

              

Being the positive sort, we make do with what we can. The Panther has started baking bread again much to the Little Lion's and I's delight. She is slowly, bit by bit, putting her stuff away where they logically go. I cannot help her in any way. This is not my Forte! she says. I'm a funky dancer, I can build an igloo or a BBQ but, I cannot organize a house. So be it. I'm open to change and welcome the Panther's reorganisation of the house with open arms.

But today, things went wrong. Seriously wrong! Part of my daily routine is to fix lunches for the three of us. I had just gotten my hands on fantastic Ile d'Orleans strawberries with local raspberries. Oooh boy! I'm going to score some points today. I decide to put in the panther and Little Lion's lunches some mixed berries with a bit of sugar and fresh cream. Just for the two of them. My loved ones get first dibs. I'll come back from work tonight with the panther just slobbering all over me and Little Lion repeating over and over again that I'm the best dad in the world.

So here I am at work eating my lunch when I receive an email titled 'Little Lion is sooo going to yell at you!' from the Panther. Why??? I had hit a blank. She then asked me what I had put in the strawberries. Could I have been as stupid as to cut the strawberries on a cutting board that I had just cut garlic on? I'm not that stupid! The Panther then asked me where I got my sugar. From the sugar bowl of course... where else!? Turns out that the Panther, in her little nesting routine, has transfromed what had been used as a sugar bowl for the past 15 years into a salt container. All this without warning! No prior warning, no walkthrough of the new changes in the Den. BANG! From sugar to salt! Little Lion was not impressed! I promptly stopped him from chewing me out by laying the blame on the Panther and how she was going to make it up for him by making her fantabulous chocolate triffle next w/e.

Have you neglected to tell people around you of important changes and had to pay for it later on?
When you completely screw up, how do you reddem yourslef to your loved ones? Come on folks, keep it clean!

Acting under pressure - Don't worry, be happy!

Whooooh... that Lion, he can be sooo careless! I mean, who in his right mind doesn't have a will? And all that other paperwork left to the last minute?! Aaaargh ! Completely unacceptable! How has he managed to survive all these years??

Yeah... took a beating once again! But this time, by the comments left on the Urban Panther's site, it seems I'm not the only one to leave things to the last minute. Could this really be a male trait?

Let's elaborate on the various scenarios the Panther listed on her site.

Getting our wills done: Mea Culpa. I have been neglecting this for too long. I did have an agreement between shareholders with my previous business and that acted as a will of sorts, but that isn't valid any longer. I did, however, send the notary an email yesterday.

Buying into the Lion's house: Bought 1 house, sold 1 business. Apart from those two events, I never had to deal with a notary in my life. My banker suggested a few names that I added to my list. Notary # 1 handled the sale of my business. Things went rather smoothly back then so I asked if she was fluently bilingual. She said that she had no problem doing the paperwork in English and that she could get by in English. Notary #2 basically gave the same answers. From past experience I was leaning towards Notary # 1, but when I told the Panther that she was also a very hot chick, her choice went to Notary #2. As she was the one buying into the house, I let her make the decision.

The Lion getting a divorce: Laws in Quebec are different. I have a court judgement for the separation and all assets both physical and financial have been taken care of. Were it not for the Panther, I probably would have never gotten a divorce, simply because it's just the same piece of paper that I already have except that it now says DIVORCE on the cover page.

Home renovations: I sure hope the Panther isn't considering moving out of here in two years!? I like this house. It's big, confortable, and has a happy vibe. Although I am not a professional carpenter, I really do enjoy building things and doing home renos. As I don't intend on moving anytime soon, I can take all my sweet time to get things done. I work on a project until I need a rest. Then I drop it. I relax for a bit (maybe a few weeks) then I pick it up again. It's all a matter of balancing work and play. I refuse to work inside during the summer months. I have all winter to do that. But now, the Panther is moving in and she wants all of her possessions in their final resting place right away. Who's feeling the pressure you think?

You see, I choose my wars. A professional is neglecting me? He'll never get my business ever again. Am I in any danger, or am I losing any money because of this neglect? If the answer is no, then why should I worry about it? I don't intend on developing some strange stress induced disease because of a negligent professional. Just not worth it! I also find that a lot of things just fall into place when you let them be. They may not get done according to your planning, but does it really matter? Don't you think we worry too much as it is?

By reading the Panther's post, I conclude that she needs a rest and that we should drop everything and take the next few weeks to relax. We also just purchased a hot tub with an expected delivery date of the third week of September. This should really help in making her relax and see the bright side of life. In the end, maybe my relaxed attitude is the reason I was able to survive for so long in this wild jungle!

Do you sometimes find yourself overwhelmed and realize that you are somewhat out of control?
What do you do to chill out and regain control?

Arava the skateboarding turtle!

You have all realized by now that my post are a bit on the serious side. In order to bring a little levity to this blog, I have chosen to dedicate Saturdays to unusual relationship related news from around the world that have caught my eye in the previous week. This week's post comes from the animal kingdom and just goes to show you that sleazy males are not necessarily restricted to the human species.

This report is about Arava, a 10 year old turtle at the Jerusalem Biblical Zoo (biblical zoo???). She arrived at the zoo with an unusual medical condition; her hind legs were paralysed. She could not move and was being rejected by the other reptiles. Then one day, the staff had a brilliant idea! They strapped a makeshift skateboard to her shell. Arava is now mobile to the point that she started to attract the attention of the male turtles. She has now started to mate with a 10 year old male. Interesting to see how getting a set of hot wheels can turn an uninteresting female into a hot commodity. Am I the only one who sees some similarities to other couples around us? How many guys do you know that date a woman simply for her money? Would you date a rich but unattractive woman if this meant you didn't have to work another day in your life? I assume that this particular turtle has a great personality but what if she was a bitch? How far are you willing to go to avoid working another day in your life?

The Neutered Lion - The procedure

V day finally came! Wow! How time flies! Although I wanted to minimize the event by having a male colleague 'accompany' me for the procedure, it seems they all backed out! I had been dating a woman for awhile and she took the day off to provide me with all the comfort and attendance required for someone recovering from a surgery.

We left home early to have lunch at a nearby bistro and I took the Prozac recommended by the Vasectomizer with a glass of Bonny Doon's Cardinal Zin. I still remember it quite clearly. Here's to you Little Tadpoles! I was determined to head into the clinic with my head up high and a look of determination. That was before the Prozac kicked in! I entered walking very slowly with my head down.... yes, just like lamb at the slaughter! I waited about two minutes before The Vasectomizer beckoned me to his tort.. examination room. He was wearing a lab coat this time so I knew he meant business! To be totally honest, were it not for the Prozac, and the fact that someone was accompanying me, I would have probably taken off!

WARNING! Female readers may want to skip to the next post at this point. Things get graphic!

I sat down on the examination table wearing the prescribed scrotal support and loose fitting T-shirt. With his usual debonair attitude he asked me how I was feeling. Heck! I just downed a Prozac with a glass of fine Zinfandel! How bad can I be feeling? Anymore of those pills, Doc?  Unfortunately, he wasn't in the mood for humour (which after the fact is kinda good to know!). He then had me expose my manjigglies with my legs spread wide. This is when I really started to feel for all of the women out there. I have never felt so helpless in my life! Here I was, monkey sac exposed in front of a man holding a hole punch, scissors, something like a soldering iron, an air gun and a determined grin! From this moment on, I swore I would never make fun of female plumbing issues ever again!

I briefly saw that he was holding a rubber band with an alligator clip tied to one end. I was sweating buckets at the sight of the alligator clip! HE HAD NEVER MENTIONED ALLIGATOR CLIPS! Then, at the speed of light, he grabbed my wedding tackle (not too delicately I might add!), twisted one end of the rubber band around it and clipped the alligator clip up high on my T-shirt, just to clear the demolition area. I saw the quick flash of stainless steel; it was the airgun! No sweat! He said it was going to be like someone snapping a rubbing band on me. What I didn't realize is that he wasn't going to snap it on my arm but on my left testicle. AAAARGH! Aaaaah! At this point, apparently one man left the waiting room never to be seen again. Next two shots were absolutely painless. OK, right side won't hurt. The anesthetic probably spread to the other side and he's just making sure it won't hurt. WRONG! Although it did hurt slightly less than the left side, I did let out another grunt of displeasure.

OK, Lion, pull yourself together and take a few deep breaths for the unpleasantness ahead. By the time I was braced for the rest of the procedure, The Vasectomizer was telling me that I could pull my pants up again and proceed to the waiting room. WHAT???? Hey Dude! You're supposed to hurt me remember!? Oooh wow! This guy is a pro! I was at least expecting the discomfort associated with pulling and tugging! Nothing at all! Oh-MY-GOD! I was Vasect-O-mized! All the anxiety, the fear and apprehension, the procrastination all for nothing! I went back to the receptionist and was told I was being kept under observation for 15 minutes. Standard procedure! Now, what kind of pop did I want? Uuuuh! Ginger Ale?

Apart from crashing from the Prozac and having to avoid direct contact with water for a few days (the wound is glued together!), I absolutely felt no pain whatsoever and almost regretted having taken the rest of the day off work. Almost!  I just could not believe I had just had some surgery done. I did start going back to the gym a bit too early and experienced a bit of pain (like a stretched muscle) for a few days but it quickly went away.

In the end, I had made a whole big drama for absolutely nothing. The worst pain comes from the injection of the anesthesia. Truly equivalent to someone flicking his finger on .... well, let's be honest here, not your arm! Oh, well there is the week long abstinence after your surgery, but the worry free activity afterwards, is well worth this sacrifice.

Men, Vasectomy is a fantastic option. Fast, safe and... painless! I am sure women go through much worst just during their Pap tests. I realize we do not like to feel the helplessness of having someone handle our 'future' in such a way but if you are certain you do not want anymore children, this is really the only logical way to go. And this is coming from the biggest pussy in the Jungle!

N.B. Vasectomy reversal facts: If you attempt to reverse your vasectomy within the first three years of having it done, you have about a 70% chance of success (this fails considerably after ten years). The reason for this is simple. It may be possible to rejoin the tubes (the vas deferens) but the sperm that go through may be infertile. Most men, after vasectomy, develop immunity, or antibodies, to sperm. Again, although they can be reversed more easily than for women, if you have any doubts you may want to have more children in the future, a vasectomy may not be the option for you. What if Jessica Alba wanted you to father her child?

The Neutered Lion - The Exam

So, the date for my exam was set. I had three weeks to do as much reasearch as I could on vasectomies. I saw a bit of everything; the good, the bad and the ugly!

Luckily, one of the best web sites I found on the subject was The Vasectomizer's site. The site explains everything in great detail in every day language. His FAQs covered pretty much all of the questions I had:

• Will my singing improve after the procedure?
• How experienced is this guy? Will I be his guinea pig?
• Where the heck does all that sperm go after the operation?
• If this is done without scalpel or needle, how the heck is it done?
• And more importantly... will it hurt?

  So, off I went to the clinic. The first thing I noticed when I got there were the men slowly walking in with a look of doom in their eyes. Just like lambs to the slaughter. Then, I also saw men coming out. Walking nice and slow, with a blank, lifeless stare. I was going to run away when I decided to ask one of the zombies how it went. Seems it didn't hurt and was over in an instant. Of course, his wife was there so I still had my doubts.

I finally managed to go in. I sat down with four other very nervous guys. This was a vasectomy clinic. It was useless to say I was here for a bad cold!

After a few minutes I was brought to a small room and asked to watch a 10 minute video on men discussing vasectomies with their doctor. Hilarious! After the video, the Vasectomizer came and asked if I had any questions. My only remaining question was concerning the pain. I wanted to hear it from his mouth while we made eye contact! I can sniff out a liar anytime. Turns out that instead of a needle, he uses an air gun. Shaped a bit like a big pen. He needs to 'hit' each huevo with three shots. The first will feel a bit like someone snapping a rubber band on you. Oooh, I can live with that!

Then, the no scalpel part. He uses a punch to pierce the now smooth sac, then fishes out the tubes with a hook, cuts, cautherizes and installs a metal clip. Wow! I'm going to have a metal part in my body just like a war hero! With a little luck I might even set off metal detectors at airports! OK, so this IS a surgical procedure. It's not just a matter of holding my sac and say 'Wanky Wank start shooting blanks!' He then said that he wanted to see my huevos. As there were no sharp objects around, I pulled my pants down and whipped them out. 'So, are your manjigglies always this smooth?' he asked. I replied in the affirmative. He said that was good because the grounds must be cleared before the procedure

I was still a bit uncertain as I walked back to the receptionist. She looked at me and said 'Well? Are you going to go through with it or was I going to chicken out?' I said 'Sure, of course. But, I can't come for another 3 months!'. I had some travelling to do and wasn't about to spoil my summer if things went wrong!  She fixed me a date and gave me my very own 'Vasectomy Kit'. The kit contained: a surgical razor, a super cool scrotal support, documentation and the testing package. She also gave me a prescription for Prozac and anti-inflamatories and home I went wondering what the heck I had gotten myself into once again!

Tomorrow: The procedure!