Urbane Lion's Den

Back from the Dead !

You may have noticed (or not!) my absence from the blogging scene in the last few weeks. Why you ask? Was I closely involved in the canadian election or the Paulson plan? Was I busy globe-trotting to far away exotic destinations? Unless your idea of exotic is Trenton, or London, Ontario, the answer to both questions is no. So where was I really? I was at home TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!!! Deadlines coming fast, work needing to be done before winter hits (yeah I know, you California or Australia residents have no clue!) but more importantly, the Urban Panther moving in.

Although I was extremely looking forward to this moment, and I had a very good idea of what was remaining in her apartment, I was ill prepared to face the state the house was in when the move was completed but before anything was put away. You think the previous pictures were bad? You have absolutely no idea! Two heavy gauge wires of different colours touched inside my brain causing me to go completely beserk! As the Urban Panther posted previously, I have no experience in moving. My father was military and all moves were relatively painless. I did move a few times as a student, but my possessions were restricted to a few cardboard boxes. But the Den is completely different. This place was Ali Baba's cave even before the Panther moved in, so imagine it with all of her stuff piled up wherever space was available! Despite words of encouragement from the Panther, and a friend of mine who graciously helped us move, it was simply beyond my ability to make any sense out of this. So what did I do? I retreated outdoors to accomplish simple tasks that my injured psychological state could accomplish. You know, counting stems of grass, pulling wings off of flies, etc.

Well, as promised, the Panther had everything placed a matter of no time. And so the healing process began. There is still quite a bit to do, like hang her frames, and clean out the basement and garage, but at least the house is livable once again. I am still not top shape, but well on my way to total recovery, with no discernable permanent damage to my nervous system.

Have you ever been placed in a situation that was completely beyond your reasoning and had to retreat? Were you able to participate in the finalizing of the task or did you have to wait until it was completed?

Acting under pressure - Don't worry, be happy!

Whooooh... that Lion, he can be sooo careless! I mean, who in his right mind doesn't have a will? And all that other paperwork left to the last minute?! Aaaargh ! Completely unacceptable! How has he managed to survive all these years??

Yeah... took a beating once again! But this time, by the comments left on the Urban Panther's site, it seems I'm not the only one to leave things to the last minute. Could this really be a male trait?

Let's elaborate on the various scenarios the Panther listed on her site.

Getting our wills done: Mea Culpa. I have been neglecting this for too long. I did have an agreement between shareholders with my previous business and that acted as a will of sorts, but that isn't valid any longer. I did, however, send the notary an email yesterday.

Buying into the Lion's house: Bought 1 house, sold 1 business. Apart from those two events, I never had to deal with a notary in my life. My banker suggested a few names that I added to my list. Notary # 1 handled the sale of my business. Things went rather smoothly back then so I asked if she was fluently bilingual. She said that she had no problem doing the paperwork in English and that she could get by in English. Notary #2 basically gave the same answers. From past experience I was leaning towards Notary # 1, but when I told the Panther that she was also a very hot chick, her choice went to Notary #2. As she was the one buying into the house, I let her make the decision.

The Lion getting a divorce: Laws in Quebec are different. I have a court judgement for the separation and all assets both physical and financial have been taken care of. Were it not for the Panther, I probably would have never gotten a divorce, simply because it's just the same piece of paper that I already have except that it now says DIVORCE on the cover page.

Home renovations: I sure hope the Panther isn't considering moving out of here in two years!? I like this house. It's big, confortable, and has a happy vibe. Although I am not a professional carpenter, I really do enjoy building things and doing home renos. As I don't intend on moving anytime soon, I can take all my sweet time to get things done. I work on a project until I need a rest. Then I drop it. I relax for a bit (maybe a few weeks) then I pick it up again. It's all a matter of balancing work and play. I refuse to work inside during the summer months. I have all winter to do that. But now, the Panther is moving in and she wants all of her possessions in their final resting place right away. Who's feeling the pressure you think?

You see, I choose my wars. A professional is neglecting me? He'll never get my business ever again. Am I in any danger, or am I losing any money because of this neglect? If the answer is no, then why should I worry about it? I don't intend on developing some strange stress induced disease because of a negligent professional. Just not worth it! I also find that a lot of things just fall into place when you let them be. They may not get done according to your planning, but does it really matter? Don't you think we worry too much as it is?

By reading the Panther's post, I conclude that she needs a rest and that we should drop everything and take the next few weeks to relax. We also just purchased a hot tub with an expected delivery date of the third week of September. This should really help in making her relax and see the bright side of life. In the end, maybe my relaxed attitude is the reason I was able to survive for so long in this wild jungle!

Do you sometimes find yourself overwhelmed and realize that you are somewhat out of control?
What do you do to chill out and regain control?

Gas light? What gas light?

Oh my goodness ! Here I am being blamed for undue psychological mistreatment towards the Urban Panther! All this because a little yellow light suddenly came on, on the way to work. Ok, let's get something straight here. I have much better ways to cause psychological stress to the Panther. Much more fun ways too! But, that may be the subject of a future post.

First of all, in this relationship we both share the driver's seat. I probably have a little more than my fair share, but she likes it that way. Second of all, except with my lawn mower, I have never run out of gas! Never ever! I have my favorite stations that I like to go to and will sometimes let the gas go down a little bit before I can make my way there. The Panther listed 6 reasons why it's not OK to let the light come on. Let me smash to smithereens every single one of her good reasons:

"I was a single mother living in the country with three small children.  There was one ambulance for a large area. If there was ever an emergency with my kids, and no ambulance available, I wanted to be able to hop in the car and drive to the hospital 40 kilometers away.  Gas in the car was a safety feature."

1- We live in Gatineau, Quebec, not Mosquitoville and we have ambulances parked here and there in the city to shorten response time. We have 3 major hospitals within a 10 minute drive and countless clinics. Reason # 1 is moot.

"I have this fear of looking foolish. There you are on the side of the road, heading off with a gas can in your hand. You know people are laughing."

2- We commute daily to Ottawa, Ontario. Roughly a 20-25 min drive. We probably pass 500 gas stations along the way. In the unlikely event that we would run out of gas, we could probably cross the street to the gas station and get some! No need to walk 1000 miles in the desert! Reason # 2 is demolished!

"On a similar note, I have a fear of the unknown.  What would I do in this situation? Who would I call? Can I even get the car off the road, or does the car just seize up and refuse to move? "

3- The car would slowly sputter and eventually conk out. Plenty of time to make it to the side of the road or, at the gas station at the next corner. Crash goes reason # 3

"I am from Toronto, which explains a lot of things about me, but I am all too familiar with the Don Valley Parkway in commuter traffic. You could be stuck there for hours, just idling. Literally hours.  If you are already running on fumes, you will run out of gas.  And if this happens to you do in the middle of this potentially road raged mob?...see points #2 and #3."

4- Whenever I anticipate traffic, or need to drive on isolated roads, I fuel up and fill the windshield washer fluid. I'm not stupid! Let's cross out # 4

"I have no idea what 'another 100 kilometers' is. As in, don't worry, you can drive for another 100 kilometers with the light on.  From when? From the time the light first came on? How do you know when it first came on?  How far is 100 kilometers? As in, will it get me to the next gas station?"

5- What is another 100 km? I don't know either, but this Volvo is equipped with a nifty little device that calculates the distance travelled. My lawnmower doesn't! That's why I run out of gas with the lawnmower and not with the car. If the light goes on, and you're not sure for how long it was on? Be pessimistic and assume you only have 20 km left. Another good reason down the drain!

"I have learned not to trust anyone who says I can drive for another 100 kilometers.  LTR#2 pulled that one on me. I drove 5 kilometers from his house to mine and ran out of gas. Fortunately, it was at a top of a hill, and my driveway was at the bottom. I threw 'er into neutral and rolled 'er down the hill. I just made it into my driveway."

6- I am not LTR #2! Need I say more?

I will not go out of my way to put gas in the car unless the light is on, or I am doing some highway driving. I would not take any chances of being stranded in the middle of nowhere. I do not take this type of chance with the boat where you have nowhere else to go and need to rely on the Coast Guard. I always pay with my credit card so the payment is always delayed and as the Panther and I split the expenses, whether she pays or I pay makes no difference.

Do you reallly go out of your way just to fuel up?
Do you own a gas guzzler that will give you about 30 second warning before it conks out?
Do you really think the Panther's fears are justified?

The Neutered Lion - The procedure

V day finally came! Wow! How time flies! Although I wanted to minimize the event by having a male colleague 'accompany' me for the procedure, it seems they all backed out! I had been dating a woman for awhile and she took the day off to provide me with all the comfort and attendance required for someone recovering from a surgery.

We left home early to have lunch at a nearby bistro and I took the Prozac recommended by the Vasectomizer with a glass of Bonny Doon's Cardinal Zin. I still remember it quite clearly. Here's to you Little Tadpoles! I was determined to head into the clinic with my head up high and a look of determination. That was before the Prozac kicked in! I entered walking very slowly with my head down.... yes, just like lamb at the slaughter! I waited about two minutes before The Vasectomizer beckoned me to his tort.. examination room. He was wearing a lab coat this time so I knew he meant business! To be totally honest, were it not for the Prozac, and the fact that someone was accompanying me, I would have probably taken off!

WARNING! Female readers may want to skip to the next post at this point. Things get graphic!

I sat down on the examination table wearing the prescribed scrotal support and loose fitting T-shirt. With his usual debonair attitude he asked me how I was feeling. Heck! I just downed a Prozac with a glass of fine Zinfandel! How bad can I be feeling? Anymore of those pills, Doc?  Unfortunately, he wasn't in the mood for humour (which after the fact is kinda good to know!). He then had me expose my manjigglies with my legs spread wide. This is when I really started to feel for all of the women out there. I have never felt so helpless in my life! Here I was, monkey sac exposed in front of a man holding a hole punch, scissors, something like a soldering iron, an air gun and a determined grin! From this moment on, I swore I would never make fun of female plumbing issues ever again!

I briefly saw that he was holding a rubber band with an alligator clip tied to one end. I was sweating buckets at the sight of the alligator clip! HE HAD NEVER MENTIONED ALLIGATOR CLIPS! Then, at the speed of light, he grabbed my wedding tackle (not too delicately I might add!), twisted one end of the rubber band around it and clipped the alligator clip up high on my T-shirt, just to clear the demolition area. I saw the quick flash of stainless steel; it was the airgun! No sweat! He said it was going to be like someone snapping a rubbing band on me. What I didn't realize is that he wasn't going to snap it on my arm but on my left testicle. AAAARGH! Aaaaah! At this point, apparently one man left the waiting room never to be seen again. Next two shots were absolutely painless. OK, right side won't hurt. The anesthetic probably spread to the other side and he's just making sure it won't hurt. WRONG! Although it did hurt slightly less than the left side, I did let out another grunt of displeasure.

OK, Lion, pull yourself together and take a few deep breaths for the unpleasantness ahead. By the time I was braced for the rest of the procedure, The Vasectomizer was telling me that I could pull my pants up again and proceed to the waiting room. WHAT???? Hey Dude! You're supposed to hurt me remember!? Oooh wow! This guy is a pro! I was at least expecting the discomfort associated with pulling and tugging! Nothing at all! Oh-MY-GOD! I was Vasect-O-mized! All the anxiety, the fear and apprehension, the procrastination all for nothing! I went back to the receptionist and was told I was being kept under observation for 15 minutes. Standard procedure! Now, what kind of pop did I want? Uuuuh! Ginger Ale?

Apart from crashing from the Prozac and having to avoid direct contact with water for a few days (the wound is glued together!), I absolutely felt no pain whatsoever and almost regretted having taken the rest of the day off work. Almost!  I just could not believe I had just had some surgery done. I did start going back to the gym a bit too early and experienced a bit of pain (like a stretched muscle) for a few days but it quickly went away.

In the end, I had made a whole big drama for absolutely nothing. The worst pain comes from the injection of the anesthesia. Truly equivalent to someone flicking his finger on .... well, let's be honest here, not your arm! Oh, well there is the week long abstinence after your surgery, but the worry free activity afterwards, is well worth this sacrifice.

Men, Vasectomy is a fantastic option. Fast, safe and... painless! I am sure women go through much worst just during their Pap tests. I realize we do not like to feel the helplessness of having someone handle our 'future' in such a way but if you are certain you do not want anymore children, this is really the only logical way to go. And this is coming from the biggest pussy in the Jungle!

N.B. Vasectomy reversal facts: If you attempt to reverse your vasectomy within the first three years of having it done, you have about a 70% chance of success (this fails considerably after ten years). The reason for this is simple. It may be possible to rejoin the tubes (the vas deferens) but the sperm that go through may be infertile. Most men, after vasectomy, develop immunity, or antibodies, to sperm. Again, although they can be reversed more easily than for women, if you have any doubts you may want to have more children in the future, a vasectomy may not be the option for you. What if Jessica Alba wanted you to father her child?

The Neutered Lion - The Exam

So, the date for my exam was set. I had three weeks to do as much reasearch as I could on vasectomies. I saw a bit of everything; the good, the bad and the ugly!

Luckily, one of the best web sites I found on the subject was The Vasectomizer's site. The site explains everything in great detail in every day language. His FAQs covered pretty much all of the questions I had:

• Will my singing improve after the procedure?
• How experienced is this guy? Will I be his guinea pig?
• Where the heck does all that sperm go after the operation?
• If this is done without scalpel or needle, how the heck is it done?
• And more importantly... will it hurt?

  So, off I went to the clinic. The first thing I noticed when I got there were the men slowly walking in with a look of doom in their eyes. Just like lambs to the slaughter. Then, I also saw men coming out. Walking nice and slow, with a blank, lifeless stare. I was going to run away when I decided to ask one of the zombies how it went. Seems it didn't hurt and was over in an instant. Of course, his wife was there so I still had my doubts.

I finally managed to go in. I sat down with four other very nervous guys. This was a vasectomy clinic. It was useless to say I was here for a bad cold!

After a few minutes I was brought to a small room and asked to watch a 10 minute video on men discussing vasectomies with their doctor. Hilarious! After the video, the Vasectomizer came and asked if I had any questions. My only remaining question was concerning the pain. I wanted to hear it from his mouth while we made eye contact! I can sniff out a liar anytime. Turns out that instead of a needle, he uses an air gun. Shaped a bit like a big pen. He needs to 'hit' each huevo with three shots. The first will feel a bit like someone snapping a rubber band on you. Oooh, I can live with that!

Then, the no scalpel part. He uses a punch to pierce the now smooth sac, then fishes out the tubes with a hook, cuts, cautherizes and installs a metal clip. Wow! I'm going to have a metal part in my body just like a war hero! With a little luck I might even set off metal detectors at airports! OK, so this IS a surgical procedure. It's not just a matter of holding my sac and say 'Wanky Wank start shooting blanks!' He then said that he wanted to see my huevos. As there were no sharp objects around, I pulled my pants down and whipped them out. 'So, are your manjigglies always this smooth?' he asked. I replied in the affirmative. He said that was good because the grounds must be cleared before the procedure

I was still a bit uncertain as I walked back to the receptionist. She looked at me and said 'Well? Are you going to go through with it or was I going to chicken out?' I said 'Sure, of course. But, I can't come for another 3 months!'. I had some travelling to do and wasn't about to spoil my summer if things went wrong!  She fixed me a date and gave me my very own 'Vasectomy Kit'. The kit contained: a surgical razor, a super cool scrotal support, documentation and the testing package. She also gave me a prescription for Prozac and anti-inflamatories and home I went wondering what the heck I had gotten myself into once again!

Tomorrow: The procedure!

The Neutered Lion: Everything you always wanted to know about vasectomies but were afraid to ask!

Yes, that's right. Another testicle post! Please accept my apologies if you are reading this while sipping your morning coffee. I just thought I could 'squeeze' a couple more posts out of the old manjigglies!

There comes a time in a man's life when he figures he's done his bit at insuring the family name doesn't die with him. In my case, I called it quits after one child. That's all my former wife and I ever wanted. Soon after the birth of our son, pressure was thrust upon me to get a vasectomy. Problem is, I get extremely queasy when it comes to surgical procedures. And, no one is getting close to the family jewels with a butcher's knife!

I'm lucky. I've only had a total of four surgeries in my life.

1- Circumcision : perfomed at child birth. Have no memory of this but I sometimes shed a tear at what life could have been!

2- Had my tonsils removed at age 3. Yes, another bloody useless surgery!

3- Little mishap with a northern pike at age 13. I thought I was going to die! I was the only one under that impression, but that's another story!

4- I got neutered!

Although my former wife was always on my case to have a vasectomy, so she could get off the pill, I didn't think our yearly 'sexy time' warranted such drastic measures. After putting an end to that relationship, let's just say I made up for lost time. That's when I started to get nervous. I was starting my life over and getting a woman pregnant was not part of my plan.

After talking it over with my family doctor, she recommended a specialist. Let's call him 'The Vasectomiser'. I was really impressed by the words 'No scalpel/no needle' and imagined some guy in a lab coat concentrating on my manjigglies and be able to close the pollywog factory by the sheer power of his mind. Hey! if there's no scapel or needle, I'm fine with that! A few days later I was still giving it some thought when my phone rang. It seems my family doctor knows me too well and knew damn well that I was going to put this off indefinately, so she gave my number to the Vasectomiser's assistant to have me book an appointment. I couldn't back out now! She had me by the..... well you know!

Tomorrow's post: the exam!

Quantum of Solace

Yup! I know that's the title of the upcoming James Bond flick, but it basically translates to 'an amount of comfort'.

I am writing this after a two hour nap on the boat, anchored off in a quiet, sheltered part of the river, listening to the birds singing. I am sipping on a glass of chardonnay the Urban Panther has expertly picked up at the liquor store.  (I have tasted finer, but the label is pretty cool!)  Life can't get any better than this except for the fact that we need to go to work tomorrow.  Otherwise, we could easily stay here for days.

When people first learn that we have a boat, their first reaction is "Oh my God, that must be so expensive to run.  The price of gas must be hurting you big time!"  Well, you may have noticed during your stays at the Lair, and the Den, that the Panther and I are pretty exuberant creatures.  Exuberant to say the least. We will sometimes get caught up in our work, and playtime, and totally forget about setting aside some far niente time.  But we are wildcats, not the Energizer Bunny, and our batteries do run out.

Based on this, my answer to people is invariably the same.  This is how we have chosen to recharge our batteries.  For us, being on the water has a very soothing effect.  A few hours on the boat feels like a whole weekend off.  Luckily for us, the boat is moored just three minutes away, and we can recharge in no time.

So, for us, the boat is our Quantum of Solace; the amount of comfort that we need.  What eccentricity won't you do without in order to preserve your sanity?

Taming the Panther

Taboo moments? Me? Don't have any! I'm an even tempered, carefree watermelon eating Lion. But, as you can see, this is not the case for other felines. So, although *I* don't really have any taboo moments I sure have to adapt to them anyway! Let's go over the Urban Panther's list of moments:

The Obvious One

OK, the Panther did not come with an end-user manual. Life would be so much simpler if women came with these. Us men like reading technical manuals to get the most out of our new gadget. The first time I encountered this taboo moment, I was being my uber-nice Lion as always, taking care of, even anticipating, my Panther's every need. Then, for no apparent reason she bursts into tears. Big 'ole crocodile tears! Damn near had to call my male neighbors for help. After a short talk, I quickly learned that hormones were to blame, not me! I'll keep that one in mind for any upcoming conflicts!

Hunger

Ooooh yeah! Definitely remember this one. I thought my last moment had come! From all nice and loving she turned into a homicidal beast! Visions of a giant praying mantis that had taken human form started to go through my head. Don't they eat the males after mating? Needless to say, the next day I made sure that I woke up before she did. I quietly left a glass of orange juice, as on offering on the floor just outside the bedroom door, and retreated quickly just in case she saw me before the glass of OJ. I have since been able to tame her and greet her every morning with her orange juice and espresso.

Crowded places

Last thing I need right now is to be convicted on charges of accessory to murder. I make sure that my Panther has the breathing room required for a wild feline. Luckily for me, I am well equipped to face these situations. My house is fairly large and we have a huge backyard. We will live Gatineau, Quebec, which is located on the Ottawa river. Most major festivals take place in parks along the shore of the river. This means that we can just anchor off the boat in a strategic location and take it all in without having anyone invade our breathing space, thus avoiding any panther rampages landing us on national news. Very convenient!

So far, these are the only taboo moments I have encountered with the Panther. There may be more but I will be on the lookout. And, I'm truly hoping that you will leave us some tips on how you react to your partner's taboo moments!

The junko-collecticus lion

I will be the first to admit, I have a hard time letting go of stuff.  Not just the high ticket, or hard to find stuff.  Nope. Pretty much anything.  No worries, though, I make an exception when it comes to underwear. After the first hole...well, maybe the third...depending on the size, they get chucked out.  Why no special treatment for my trusty boxers?  Because they cannot be reused or transformed into something  else.  I am fiddling with the idea of creating funky lampshades out of my old skivvies, but I have yet to run the idea by the Urban Panther.

I have a very creative mind, and am fairly environmentally conscious.  Why throw something out when it can have a new life as something else?  My mind is in constant overdrive, just ask the Panther.  Although the garage and basement may look like downtown Kabul, I have a precise knowledge of all its content and approximate location.  Need to make a change of plans midway through a project and you have the material midway through a project, and you no longer have the right material to complete the task? Fear not!!  A quick scan through my inventory (very neatly filed away in the upper left corner of my brain, right between SEX and BEER compartments) and I'll find what I need.

The big advantage of this, is that not only are we saving the environment (and money), we always end up with very unique things you just can't find in stores.  The Panther and I go by the beat of our own drums, and would rather lead the parade than watch it!

So you see, although I may seem sloppy and disorganized, it is for the great good.

Am I the only one of my species?

I am Lion, hear me roar! Tabarnack!

When people first meet me, they usually notice right away my calmness and openmindedness. When faced with adversity, I always remain cool as a cucumber, and will not surrender to panic. So when the Urban Panther had me proof read her post on French movies last Friday, I remained calm and comprehensive. I have to admit, in introducing the Panther to French films, I should have started a bit lighter.  But, when the Panther started reading me the comments as I was preparing dinner I must admit I kinda lost it! Heck, even James (Men with Pens), from both English and French parentage, who writes in impeccable French, and resides in Montreal stabbed me in the back. It took Sarah (BSILE), Sibling Rob (BBILE), and Al (7P) to side with me and put a bit of balm on my wounds. I knew I had better wait to compose my rebuttal. The Panther would have rejected it anyways! Yes, us Frenchmen can sometimes get a little hot blooded! I was past the boiling point!

After a relaxing weekend my temper has cooled somewhat and I can probably come up with a rebuttal that the Panther will accept. May take a little sweet talking, but I'm pretty good at that.

Every culture produces a number of films that fall under different categories: drama, action, comedy, historical, documentary, porn etc. Unfortunately, not many of these films are released in the US and English speaking parts of Canada. Each country has their own criterias for submitting a movie for the Academy Awards in the Foreign film category. Artistic content has more importance than box office success. Hence, artistic content very often rhymes with 'boring'. If this was your only exposure to French films then you are half forgiven. I have compiled a list of movies that are certain to change your opinion of French language films. Of course, a bit may be lost in sub-titles and translation, but nevertheless I am certain that the essence will remain and you will enjoy these films very much.

The following French language movies have the Urbane Lion's official seal of approval!

• Bon cop Bad cop (Quebec)
• La Grande Séduction/Seducing Dr Lewis (Quebec)
• Le diner de con (France)
• C.R.A.Z.Y. (Quebec)
• Jesus de Montreal (Quebec)
• Le Pacte des Loups/Brotherhood of the wolves (France)
• Mambo Italiano (Quebec)

And, if French movies are so bad, why does Hollywood put out remakes? And not everything that Hollywood puts out can be called exciting, even if it received praises from the artistic community. The Panther and I really didn't like No Country for Old Men. It, nevertheless, won the Oscar for best movie at the last Academy Award. I have seen very many movies in my life. Most of them American. A lot of them were good; a lot of them were duds. Yet, I will still give them a chance....

The following English language movies have the Urbane Lion's official seal of disapproval!

• Lady in the Water
• Wickerman
• The Sentinel
• Norbitt
• Pirates of the Caribbean: At world's end

I am sure you can add your own to this list. Come on, I dare you....