The Neutered Lion - The procedure

V day finally came! Wow! How time flies! Although I wanted to minimize the event by having a male colleague 'accompany' me for the procedure, it seems they all backed out! I had been dating a woman for awhile and she took the day off to provide me with all the comfort and attendance required for someone recovering from a surgery.

We left home early to have lunch at a nearby bistro and I took the Prozac recommended by the Vasectomizer with a glass of Bonny Doon's Cardinal Zin. I still remember it quite clearly. Here's to you Little Tadpoles! I was determined to head into the clinic with my head up high and a look of determination. That was before the Prozac kicked in! I entered walking very slowly with my head down.... yes, just like lamb at the slaughter! I waited about two minutes before The Vasectomizer beckoned me to his tort.. examination room. He was wearing a lab coat this time so I knew he meant business! To be totally honest, were it not for the Prozac, and the fact that someone was accompanying me, I would have probably taken off!

WARNING! Female readers may want to skip to the next post at this point. Things get graphic!

I sat down on the examination table wearing the prescribed scrotal support and loose fitting T-shirt. With his usual debonair attitude he asked me how I was feeling. Heck! I just downed a Prozac with a glass of fine Zinfandel! How bad can I be feeling? Anymore of those pills, Doc?  Unfortunately, he wasn't in the mood for humour (which after the fact is kinda good to know!). He then had me expose my manjigglies with my legs spread wide. This is when I really started to feel for all of the women out there. I have never felt so helpless in my life! Here I was, monkey sac exposed in front of a man holding a hole punch, scissors, something like a soldering iron, an air gun and a determined grin! From this moment on, I swore I would never make fun of female plumbing issues ever again!

I briefly saw that he was holding a rubber band with an alligator clip tied to one end. I was sweating buckets at the sight of the alligator clip! HE HAD NEVER MENTIONED ALLIGATOR CLIPS! Then, at the speed of light, he grabbed my wedding tackle (not too delicately I might add!), twisted one end of the rubber band around it and clipped the alligator clip up high on my T-shirt, just to clear the demolition area. I saw the quick flash of stainless steel; it was the airgun! No sweat! He said it was going to be like someone snapping a rubbing band on me. What I didn't realize is that he wasn't going to snap it on my arm but on my left testicle. AAAARGH! Aaaaah! At this point, apparently one man left the waiting room never to be seen again. Next two shots were absolutely painless. OK, right side won't hurt. The anesthetic probably spread to the other side and he's just making sure it won't hurt. WRONG! Although it did hurt slightly less than the left side, I did let out another grunt of displeasure.

OK, Lion, pull yourself together and take a few deep breaths for the unpleasantness ahead. By the time I was braced for the rest of the procedure, The Vasectomizer was telling me that I could pull my pants up again and proceed to the waiting room. WHAT???? Hey Dude! You're supposed to hurt me remember!? Oooh wow! This guy is a pro! I was at least expecting the discomfort associated with pulling and tugging! Nothing at all! Oh-MY-GOD! I was Vasect-O-mized! All the anxiety, the fear and apprehension, the procrastination all for nothing! I went back to the receptionist and was told I was being kept under observation for 15 minutes. Standard procedure! Now, what kind of pop did I want? Uuuuh! Ginger Ale?

Apart from crashing from the Prozac and having to avoid direct contact with water for a few days (the wound is glued together!), I absolutely felt no pain whatsoever and almost regretted having taken the rest of the day off work. Almost!  I just could not believe I had just had some surgery done. I did start going back to the gym a bit too early and experienced a bit of pain (like a stretched muscle) for a few days but it quickly went away.

In the end, I had made a whole big drama for absolutely nothing. The worst pain comes from the injection of the anesthesia. Truly equivalent to someone flicking his finger on .... well, let's be honest here, not your arm! Oh, well there is the week long abstinence after your surgery, but the worry free activity afterwards, is well worth this sacrifice.

Men, Vasectomy is a fantastic option. Fast, safe and... painless! I am sure women go through much worst just during their Pap tests. I realize we do not like to feel the helplessness of having someone handle our 'future' in such a way but if you are certain you do not want anymore children, this is really the only logical way to go. And this is coming from the biggest pussy in the Jungle!

N.B. Vasectomy reversal facts: If you attempt to reverse your vasectomy within the first three years of having it done, you have about a 70% chance of success (this fails considerably after ten years). The reason for this is simple. It may be possible to rejoin the tubes (the vas deferens) but the sperm that go through may be infertile. Most men, after vasectomy, develop immunity, or antibodies, to sperm. Again, although they can be reversed more easily than for women, if you have any doubts you may want to have more children in the future, a vasectomy may not be the option for you. What if Jessica Alba wanted you to father her child?

Comments

[Al at 7P]

Ahh, the prozac explains why all the other guys left the room with that blank look on their face.

Alligator clips - wow, if there's an interrogator looking for a confession and alligator clips are involved, I'm singing like a bird!

Great info about the reversal - it's good to know all the facts if this procedure is done.

[XUP]

This is very nicely put UL. Coming from someone as apparantly scrotally obsessed as you, it's a very good message. It's too bad you can't become an officialy spokesperson because there are still a lot of silly men out there who absolutely refuse to have it done.

[Urbane Lion]

Al: Yes, the Prozac probably avoids having too many men backing out at the last minute. You can be sure that I was looking for a car battery when I saw the alligator clip. Luckily it was snapped to my T-shirt before visions of maniacal doctors flashed in my mind.

XUP: I can understand the fear of having it done but I have to admit, it was very quick and painless. You can send all those silly men my way! Scrotally obsessed? Me? (he says as he's re-arranging himself!)

[Sal]

I'm sorry, but I had to cringe at the mention of the Alligator clips. For some reason, I got the mental picture of someone trying to jump-start their car off of, let's be serious here...not my arm. My only question is, did it really feel like a rubberband being snapped on them? If so, I wonder if I could get ready by snapping myself and becoming, well, I guess no guy could become acustom to that kind of pain.

Oh well, it will be my turn to share the story in a few short years.

[Urbane Lion]

Sal: It did really feel like a rubberband snapping on them. Give it a try if you want. You need to use the wide bands, not the flimsy ones. Just brace yourself and let your wife do it. Don't forget to do both sides. That's it! Unless you do something stupid in the days following the procedure like lifting your kids or strain too much, that's the only pain you'll feel. I would almost go back just for the fun of it!

[Cath Lawson]

Hi Urbane Lion - I'm pleased you didn't roar about the pain. I wonder how much the Prozac really helped though? And what on earth is an alligator clip? That doesn't sound nice at all.

[Urbane Lion]

Well, I had never taken Prozac before but i can certainly tell you that I was feeling pretty smooth and without a care in the world. I have high anxiety just going to the dentist. This would have been much worst! The type of alligator clip he had was a small one usually used for temporary electrical connections. They are shaped like the an alligator's jaw with a lot of small 'teeth' along the edges for a firm grip. Luckily the small teeth were clipped to my T-shirt!

[Monika Mundell]

Ouch, That actually sounded more painful that it was by your own words. Thanks for clarifying alligator clips to Cath too. Now I learned something new. They do sound painful.

[James Chartrand - Men with Pens]

It's not the Prozac itself that does anything - there's a relaxant mixed in with that little pill to help people stabilize their sleep patterns, so it does make people feel a bit dopey. Not dopey enough to be worth some black market exchange, mind you.

Prozac also reacts with alcohol, so that boost of Zinfandel would have made you feel nice and smiley, yeah.

A friend of mine went to Ottawa (in the Glebe area, very pretty) and he got a Valium. Didn't do much, actually.

[Urbane Lion]

Monika: Again, it was absolutely nothing! Like I said before, I'd go back just for the fun of it! You can send all of those whussy male my may!

James: That's exactly where I went too! Right in the Glebe! It was Valium? Could be! All I know is that it felt good!

[Kristin Fitzgerald]

I am passing these posts on to my husband; we are in discussions on this very topic and he needs to stop the whining and just do it. Maybe this will help.

[Urbane Lion]

Kristin: There was really nothing to it. Really! This is coming from a man who discreetly downs 1-2 shooters of vodka before going to the dentist! Although you do not live in the area, I highly recommend your husband visit www.vasectomy.ca . That is where I had the procedure done and found the web site extremely helpful. Best of luck!

[Children Anxiety Disorder]

i got a friend who dies by a prozac overdose... i recommend the people used only if your doctor send you the rpescription and be careful with the number of pills

[Affiliate Promotion]

Congratulations on your page, it is really interesting