Urbane Lion's Den

Whose gift is it anyway?

A few months ago, I took a lot of ribbing from readers for giving the Urban Panther a GPS for her birthday. Considering she was moving into a new city, and that she had specifically expressed her desire to possess one during a recent trip to the west coast, I thought the pink GPS was the idea of the century. Apparently it wasn't! Even after I provided a logical explanation as to why I purchased it for her, I continued to endure ribbing and mockery about the whole situation.

However, today the tables have turned! You see, tomorrow, Friday August 1st will be my birthday. A few weeks ago, the Panther gave me my birthday present in advance, in preparation for our boat trip to Montreal. "To enhance our boat trip," she said. My God.... what could possibly enhance our boating trip? A new sound system? Foldable bikes? A new mattress? A sexy young cabin girl?

None of the above! She gave me a coffee bean roaster. Now get this.... I DON'T DRINK COFFEE!
I do have a slight addiction to espressos, if you count drinking them two or three times a day,  but other than that, no coffee or coffee flavored desserts for me. I just don't like the taste. Period, end of discussion! Taboo!

I do have to admit that the flavor of freshly roasted beans is far superior than anything you can get at specialized coffee shops, let alone grocery stores. But the thing is, I  used the roaster, my present, for the first time two days ago. The Panther, on the other hand, has used it almost daily. See? It's the Panther's toy!

Now let's see who gets the ribbing this time.....(he says as he's sipping an iced espresso!)

The All New Dating Game

So, today the Urban Panther has been invited to be a guest writer on Annie's blog, Writer Chick Talks. The subject of her post is how today's young couples in their twenties approach relationships versus the way we approached them when we were twenty. As always, the Panther has some pretty interesting observations. As the young Lion is only 10 and hasn't really started dating yet, I can't say that I am an authority on the subject. However, I can certainly tell you all about the MAJOR differences about dating twenty some years ago and today.

Let me begin.

Dating in the eighties:

1- You make plans with other male friends to go out to the 'IN' place to try and 'pick up some chicks'. Not looking for long term here; just 1 night. Or, if she's really hot, 1 month max before you hand her over to one of your buddies.

2- You shower. Blow dry your mullet, splash on a couple of ounces of Hai Karate cologne, iron your best looking pastel shirt and put on your platform shoes.

3- Invite your friends over for a bottle of $3.00 wine just to get that slight buzz that will lower your inhibitions AND the bar bill.

4- Get to the bar and start stalking. Decide who is going to be wingman for the evening. The wingman will take home the ugly girl of a group to let his friends go home with the gym happy ones.

5- Make sure that if the girl you have spotted is accompanied by some friends, you have enough male friends to go around. Girls don't like to leave a friend behind.

6- Go home, have fun and hopefully when you both get up in the morning she will do the dishes while you run to the store to get some breakfast fixings.

7- Repeat step 1

Yes, back then we were pretty careless and selfish. HIV did not exist and all you were looking for was to add another notch to your belt. Life was uncomplicated. Men were pretty much all the same and women weren't as complicated as today.

Now, I got married at 25 and separated from my wife at 40. Amazing how the world can change in 15 years! Just when I thought I was ready to date again, my fellow co-workers (who were in their early twenties) gave me the low down. Apparently I was in no shape to date in today's world. I ended up feeling like The 40 Year Old Virgin! But fear not, they were going to fix me up! First of all, firm up those muscles! So, here I go to the gym to firm things up a bit. Second, shave my chest! OMG, that is sooo not going to happen! Luckily, after a quick survey of female co-workers, turns out that my chest was deemed very sexy (for a forty year old!) and shaving it was ruled out, thank God!

But.... don't put that Bic shaver away yet. Seems that today's women like nice smooth er...huevo rancheros. As none of my female colleagues were interested in another survey, I decided to swallow my pride and bite the bullet. But, there was no way I was going to put a razor blade anywhere near my manjigglies! Hot wax was out of the question also, so I decided to try Neet. Oh my God! The pain I went through was atrocious! Worse than giving birth, I'm sure! I thought my family jewels were going to melt away! Didn't even do a very good job either. After a week of healing I finally resolved myself to use a razor. Finally got the hang of it. Ladies.... please tell me that it's worth it!

OK, the pastel shirts have gone the same route as the platform shoes and the 8 track tapes. But, I had the new look down pat. Now, all I was missing was an opportunity to meet some women. Most of my colleagues were in their early twenties so no luck there. Although I am not very shy, approaching women has never been easy for me, and it just seems that today's bars are either filled with very young women or older women that are single for a very good reason. Which left online dating. I will not go into much details about my experiences with the online dating thing. I will leave that for a future post. I will say, however, that you have to sort through a lot of chaff before you find a gem. Luckily for me.... I found mine!

So, here's a break down of dating twenty years later:

1- You shower. Gel up your short hair, splash on some Armani and put on a tight T-shirt (aren't you happy you go to the gym!). Shoes and pants are not required.

2- Pour yourself a glass of $20 wine.

3- Log on to your favorite online dating site and start searching.

4- Select someone you like and start chatting to see if you can catch her in a lie. If you turn on the webcam just remember you're not wearing any pants!

5- Agree to meet.

6- Have her move in and start some dueling blogs!

Much simpler today don't you think?

The junko-collecticus lion

I will be the first to admit, I have a hard time letting go of stuff.  Not just the high ticket, or hard to find stuff.  Nope. Pretty much anything.  No worries, though, I make an exception when it comes to underwear. After the first hole...well, maybe the third...depending on the size, they get chucked out.  Why no special treatment for my trusty boxers?  Because they cannot be reused or transformed into something  else.  I am fiddling with the idea of creating funky lampshades out of my old skivvies, but I have yet to run the idea by the Urban Panther.

I have a very creative mind, and am fairly environmentally conscious.  Why throw something out when it can have a new life as something else?  My mind is in constant overdrive, just ask the Panther.  Although the garage and basement may look like downtown Kabul, I have a precise knowledge of all its content and approximate location.  Need to make a change of plans midway through a project and you have the material midway through a project, and you no longer have the right material to complete the task? Fear not!!  A quick scan through my inventory (very neatly filed away in the upper left corner of my brain, right between SEX and BEER compartments) and I'll find what I need.

The big advantage of this, is that not only are we saving the environment (and money), we always end up with very unique things you just can't find in stores.  The Panther and I go by the beat of our own drums, and would rather lead the parade than watch it!

So you see, although I may seem sloppy and disorganized, it is for the great good.

Am I the only one of my species?

I am Lion, hear me roar! Tabarnack!

When people first meet me, they usually notice right away my calmness and openmindedness. When faced with adversity, I always remain cool as a cucumber, and will not surrender to panic. So when the Urban Panther had me proof read her post on French movies last Friday, I remained calm and comprehensive. I have to admit, in introducing the Panther to French films, I should have started a bit lighter.  But, when the Panther started reading me the comments as I was preparing dinner I must admit I kinda lost it! Heck, even James (Men with Pens), from both English and French parentage, who writes in impeccable French, and resides in Montreal stabbed me in the back. It took Sarah (BSILE), Sibling Rob (BBILE), and Al (7P) to side with me and put a bit of balm on my wounds. I knew I had better wait to compose my rebuttal. The Panther would have rejected it anyways! Yes, us Frenchmen can sometimes get a little hot blooded! I was past the boiling point!

After a relaxing weekend my temper has cooled somewhat and I can probably come up with a rebuttal that the Panther will accept. May take a little sweet talking, but I'm pretty good at that.

Every culture produces a number of films that fall under different categories: drama, action, comedy, historical, documentary, porn etc. Unfortunately, not many of these films are released in the US and English speaking parts of Canada. Each country has their own criterias for submitting a movie for the Academy Awards in the Foreign film category. Artistic content has more importance than box office success. Hence, artistic content very often rhymes with 'boring'. If this was your only exposure to French films then you are half forgiven. I have compiled a list of movies that are certain to change your opinion of French language films. Of course, a bit may be lost in sub-titles and translation, but nevertheless I am certain that the essence will remain and you will enjoy these films very much.

The following French language movies have the Urbane Lion's official seal of approval!

• Bon cop Bad cop (Quebec)
• La Grande Séduction/Seducing Dr Lewis (Quebec)
• Le diner de con (France)
• C.R.A.Z.Y. (Quebec)
• Jesus de Montreal (Quebec)
• Le Pacte des Loups/Brotherhood of the wolves (France)
• Mambo Italiano (Quebec)

And, if French movies are so bad, why does Hollywood put out remakes? And not everything that Hollywood puts out can be called exciting, even if it received praises from the artistic community. The Panther and I really didn't like No Country for Old Men. It, nevertheless, won the Oscar for best movie at the last Academy Award. I have seen very many movies in my life. Most of them American. A lot of them were good; a lot of them were duds. Yet, I will still give them a chance....

The following English language movies have the Urbane Lion's official seal of disapproval!

• Lady in the Water
• Wickerman
• The Sentinel
• Norbitt
• Pirates of the Caribbean: At world's end

I am sure you can add your own to this list. Come on, I dare you....

The Urban Mojito!

Just in time for the weekend! There are probably as many Mojito recipes as there are Cubans in Miami. With or without bitters, with flavored vodkas etc. But, I am a purist. I like to keep mine plain and simple. Research shows that a couple of Mojitos are very effective against hair loss. This has been demonstrated last week when the Panther was pulling out her hair in frustration. After just two of these she was back to normal (!?) again.

Here's what you'll need for 2 Mojitos:

• About 1 tablespoon of fresh whole mint leaves
• 1 large lime
• 2 teaspoons of icing sugar
• 2 teaspoons of raw sugar
• 6 oz of your favorite white rum
• Soda water, Perrier whatever

1. Pour 1 oz of rum in a shot glass and sample for quality assurance. Your rum needs to be fresh!
2. Put mint leaves and both sugars in a measuring cup or shaker.
3. Using a mortar, muddle the mint leaves with the sugars until the leaves are well bruised.
4. Squeeze the lime juice in the sugar mixture.
5. As there might have been some evaporation, pour another 1 oz shot glass of rum to make absolutely certain it is still acceptable.
6. Pour the remaining 4 oz of rum in the sugar/lime juice.
7. If using a shaker, add a few ice cubes. If not, just stir until sugars are dissolved.
8. Pour over ice, top up with soda water and garnish with fresh mint leaves.
9. Slap on Ry Cooder's Buena Vista Social Club or some Celia Cruz, sit back and chill!

               

Yes Dear! Yes Dear?

Whew! The Urban Panther sure has an amusing way of explaining how things work in our household! Too bad half of it is fiction!

First of all, a little background information about myself. Before the Panther moved in, I had been living alone in a 3000 sq ft home. It was always kept reasonably clean, although I do admit that I may have lacked some focus on the completion of certain home improvements. I work very hard. I would much rather have the pleasure and pride of building something myself than to pay someone else to do it. Heck! I even built my own kitchen sink! But when it's time to play, I also play very hard and that's what makes life with me so much fun.

Al at 7P posted on How to do tasks you hate doing. He said that you need to give yourself some rewards. You think I enjoy doing the dishes, making lunches and folding laundry? I'd rather pour salt in my eyes! That's why I intersperse my boring tasks with small gratifying ones like spray painting picture frames . Nothing beats instant gratification!

But in the end it's all good. It gives the Panther the impression that she is managing me, when all the while I'm actually paving the way to more fun times.

Keeping the Lion!

WARNING!!! D1, D2, OS: The following post contains insinuations that your mother may have a sex life after all and may be perceived as totally gross! Read at your own risk. You have been warned!

Before I start today's story, I would like to bring you a few corrections to the Urban Panther's previous post. First of all, I did not invite myself to her party. I merely reminded her that she was forgetting to invite me. Also, the concrete slabs I had to carry were actually closer to 40 lbs, not 10!

Okay, moving on.  It took a few dates before I was able to tame the Panther, as she was a bit apprehensive. Seems she wasn't sure what that meat hook was doing in my walk-in cooler. Perhaps she had watched too many episodes of Dexter. However, it wasn't long before I realized that I had her hooked also. We both come from different cultural backgrounds and have been raised with different beliefs and traditions. Although all of my family members can also speak English, French is language that is spoken around the house and during family reunions.

You may have noticed the little addition to my blog: Why I love my girlfriend! These one liners change on a daily basis, basically as a feedback of the Panther's behavior towards me. But, let me list the main reasons why the Panther will have me for as long as she wants:

- She respects my culture
- she truly makes a huge effort to learn French
- she has that joie de vivre that really turns me on!
- she makes me laugh
- she keeps me under control without restraining me
- she keeps me out of trouble
- she readily jumps into any of my kooky plans
- she will suddenly disappear to her piano or guitar and fill the house with her songs
- we have hot s.... we cuddle more than once a day ( I know the Panther will censor this, so I did it for her)

I'm fast approaching mid-forties and I had a clear idea of the minimal requirements for my next (and hopefully last!) long term relationship. The Panther not only met them but also exceeded them by a mile.

Although I don't watch reality shows, I have heard interviews with former participants who were giving pointers to wannabe participants. The one common suggestion was to be yourself, don't play a role. Life is the ultimate reality show. If it works for American Idol contestants then it will certainly work for you too!

I know, I promised pictures... here they are. Who would not fall in love with such a beautiful smile!?

    

The Lion explains how to keep man

So, you've landed yourself a great guy, and if you haven't decided for yourself that he is a keeper, everyone around you already has!  Now, what do you do to keep him?

Make him breakfast in bed every morning?
* you won't last, and no guy worth having wants a subservient woman as his partner. You know the feeling when someone is just too nice to you?

Call him ten times a day?
* again, this projects the image of an insecure woman, or gives the guy flashbacks of Fatal Attraction.

Ignore him and play hard to get?
* that's risky business!  Although he may have earmarked you as a potential keeper, you may not be the only one on the list.  Given everyone's hectic schedules, out of two winners, he is going to choose the one that involves the least work.

No!  None of these behaviours will do it.

A man needs a woman who is independent, yet still requires a man to do the heavy chores.  It's fine if you can lay drywall, as long as you need him to open the pail of plaster and lift the sheets.

Be commmunicative, but not overly.  Little notes left here and there, emails, love letters, anything he can attend to on his own time. Most guys hate talking on the phone for more than ten minutes.

Take care of yourself.  You can't be a good partner if you're not good to yourself in the first place.  Stay healthy and fit. It's a catch 22. You'll be happier, and if you're happier, then so will he be.  And if he's happier, then so will you be!

As I am re-reading this post to myself, I noticed I haven't talked about hot sex!  Come on girls, don't kid yourselves.  If your new catch has a strong sex drive, it won't change for quite a number of years. Don't think you are going to wean him off successfully.  We're talking sex here, not cigarettes!  Be honest with yourself, and have the sex life you want right now.  If you are not compatible with him on this, bite the bullet and call it quits.  It will only get worse as time goes on.

So?  You want to know specifically what the Panther does to keep me?  Come back tomorrow, and read all about it.  Will certainly post some pictures too!

How the Panther landed the Lion

Yesterday, I told you how simple it actually is for a woman to land a man.  Today, as promised, I will tell you how the Urban Panther landed me. 

First of all, we met in the traditional way: through an online dating site.  My profile apparently peaked her curiosity.  We had been chatting for about a week when one evening she said that she had to cut our chat short because she was going to a friend's birthday party in her apartment building's party room. Then, right there, spur of the moment thing she asked if I wanted to come. No discreet meeting in a coffee shop. Apart from our profile pictures, that were not very representative, we basically had very little idea of each other's appearance.  But, the chatting was fun, and we definitely  shared a lot of common interests. And, I had no other plans for the evening. What the heck! Told her I'd grab a quick shower and that I would be there in about 1 hour.

From the moment I first saw her, I knew I was hooked!  What did it take?  A winning smile, and a sparkle in her eyes!  That's it! She was dressed very simply with black jeans and a white shirt.  No spray tans, no heavy make-up, no duct taping the boobs to make them stick out.  She had that air of confidence, and that's all it took! Would she have dressed and prepared differently had this date been planned ahead of time? Perhaps, and probably, from the answers we got out of the survey. Nevertheless, any additional padding and bling might have detracted from her true personality and might have led me to 'write this one off'!

So the first step is done. She got me hook, line and sinker! But, the game is not over yet. Once you land that special man (oh yeah baby... I'm special!) there are things that you need to know if you want to keep him. And that, my friends, will be the subject of tomorrow's post!

How to really land yourself a good man!

The Urban Panther has posted the final installment of the results of her survey based on Santagati's book, The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate--and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top.  Women were probably expecting to learn a trick or two on how to land themselves a man. Interestingly enough, based on the comments, what was actually learned from this exercise is that women generally go to way too much trouble to make themselves "marketable". Although physical appearance does have it's importance, it is second only to the air of confidence a woman can display. This is what most men are looking for. You may say "Oooh, but I really need a set of bigger boobs to boost my self esteem". Ladies, boobs come in all shapes and sizes from small, large, round, pointy, pear shaped, etc. And guess what? We men like them all! Of course, some men are still looking for that "trophy" wife. If this is the role you want to assume, then by all means go for that boob job and the Benjamin Moore make-up.

However, if a healthy and constructive relationship is what you're after then don't sweat it too much. Just follow these simple words of wisdom from a Frenchman:

Dress:

* avoid sweatshirts with pictures of wolves or deers,
* unless you're running, avoid sneakers. Even if they are pink, they are just not very feminine,
* leave the baseball caps to baseball players. Everybody can find a suitable hat; just ask the Panther!

Looks:

* stay healthy! If you smoke, quit! No one likes to lick an ashtray! and,
* keep fit. Being too thin is no better than being overweight. Most men like women with a 'little meat' on them. If you are not comfortable with your body then your self confidence will suffer, which is your biggest asset!

And, most importantly, splash on that brilliant smile of yours....come on, you know the one!  There are a lot of good men out there just waiting to see you smile. Give it a try... just Google "Hot French Quebec men."

And for a real life story, stay tuned tomorrow for:  How the Panther landed the Lion!